Thoughts…

I’d rather live those days that in the past made me smile at the thought of you. I’d rather reminisce of the moments where you held me so close I felt your protection and your promises held meanings.

Now I’d rather hold to those memories than my present state. Where I fight all the negativity the Devil throws at me and you’re no longer by my side to protect me. To keep going I hold on to the memories because at moments of weakness I’d rather lose it all than to lose those memories.

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Her Hand

He softly took her hand and held it. Took it to his lips and kissed it. Her eyes met his and she smiled. The smile he was searching for within her was what made their connection true. Her smile was his sunshine. He knew that her love for him was supernatural. It was as if he was invincible as long as she was by his side. She was his oasis. His very own private beach and he knew his sand was better than any other. He loved her and wanted to hold her hand until the end of time. He held her hand and kissed it once more before the night was over and his sunshine smiled again. She made his soul happy.


Junot Díaz

Junot wrote an article in the New Yorker explaining his past and why many things he did were due to his childhood encounters. It was riveting and heartfelt. I simply wanted to give him a hug and thank him for being so truthful in an age where you are chastised for speaking the truth.

I wish I wore a mask as Junot did. I wish I could simply love with this mask in which would allow me to portray a “I don’t give a fuck” attitude. An attitude in which is not my own. But maybe this mask would help me maintain a relationship.

But who would I be? I’d be another fake individual living the life of a lie because I don’t want to lose the man I love.

I’d still wear the mask though because as I continued to read the article I sort of wanted to be the Junot with the mask and not the man that finally discovered where his true hurt was. Why? The reason is because I too dealt with what Junot dealt with as a child and never spoke on it. As a Hispanic female in my time I would have been looked down upon and my family would have been the center of attention.

My family was already the center of attention. Living in Manhattan, NY and all the children in the building knowing one another and going from apartment to apartment to play with one another. We were the cool family because my mom and dad took all the kids in and they’d feed them and make sure they all got home safe. My parents became great friends with their parents also. So, why would I want to ruin such a wonderful relationship with such a tragic event? I kept it to myself and lived my whole life with it.

As I grew older and dated I noticed none of my relationships would stick. Through time I kept beginning to doubt myself and blame myself. What did I do wrong this time? It has to be me, right?

If I wore that mask I could be the cocky bitch every woman tells me I need to be. “Don’t be too nice Sipsy, they’ll walk all over you!”

Junot’s article made me realize that your past encounters really do begin to surface and mold the person you become in your future. Fighting moments of insecurities. Moments of doubt. Moments of feeling worthless because at that moment on that day as a little girl, I felt worthless.

Now it’s 2018 and at this moment I could really use his mask. Not to be a bitch, well maybe sometimes but, to find the courageous woman I once was.

My life has done a complete 360. Many say that in order for the greatness of your blessings to come to play your life must break apart so you can find strength within yourself and believe in yourself more. This is harder than I thought. I believed in myself once. I had an “I can do anything in this world” attitude. Now it’s more of a God, if you’re listening, thank you for the ability to wake up today but, can you please end it. I’ll understand if you don’t want me by your side but I’d appreciate it if you could keep me from waking up.

Junot’s article opened my eyes to my past. A wonderful past filled with dark moments no one knew and still does not know about. His mask made him the shit. He felt like he could do no wrong. So, I ask can I borrow that mask?

Maybe it will shake the negativity. Maybe it will turn me into the savage I need to be to get through this large mountain. Maybe God will forgive me for asking him to take away what he created.

Maybe, I wish I had Junot’s mask.

Below is the article. Please read it and share it. The world should know about the courage it has taken for this man to come clean.

https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2018/04/16/the-silence-the-legacy-of-childhood-trauma


Outside Breeze

I want to sit outside and listen to the wind as it whistles through my ears, yet it’s too cold outside.

I want to sit outside and inhale the night’s cool air but the temperature is mighty brisk.

I want to sit outside lay my head on your shoulder and watch as the stars begin the shape my thoughts, yet it’s too cold outside.

I want to sit out there at night with you on the bench. Away from it all. Away from them all, yet the weather won’t allow it.

I want to sit outside with you by my side, yet you’re no longer here to share this smoke break with.

Besides, it’s too cold outside.


Bloom

As a rose blossoms until it releases its final petal as did my soul. With the fall of each pedal, a piece of my soul was rooted within you. One by one every thorn became fragile to your touch. Until the last pedal. Until the final piece of my soul. Then as the rose was left to die. So was I, alone in this darkness.


Feel


Etched

It’s as if you’ve been engraved within me.

Every moment spent with you has been chiseled into my mind and nothing I do can remove it.

I can not sand it away with sandpaper. I can not try doing other things to erase the memories.

I can still feel your hands in my hair. It’s etched in me.

It’s as if I fell in Love and didn’t realize it.

Every memory has now become a gift and a curse. A burden of pain and memories of happiness.

I’m confused and it’s as if you’ve engraved yourself so far within my heart that it will become the hardest task to remove or sand away.