There was a hole in the wall.
A light shinned through the hole in the wall. Florescent and bothersome.
As the light beamed through the hole it illuminated my darkened room. I could not sleep, tossing and turning as the night continued trying to ignore the hole in the wall. Trying to ignore the florescent light.
I got up to cover the hole but instead began to daze at the light. The light pierced my eyes for a minute and then they adjusted to its brightness.
I walked closer and closer to the hole in the wall.
Without any fear I placed my hands against the wall and leaned my body closer. I moved closer and closer to the hole in the wall and my eye began to peek through the hole.
Beyond the light I saw it all. Beyond the shinning light within the wall I felt my face crack a smile. With my body pressed against the wall my eye saw HAPPINESS.
My fingers began wedging open the hole in the wall. I wanted to be beyond the wall and closer to Happiness. I wanted to leave the comfort of my room and break through the hole in my wall.
I pried the hole open. Feeling all the pieces of the wall tumbling onto the ground. After much digging the hole in the wall became large enough for my slim body to climb into.
The light took me in. I looked back at the darkened room once then continued my path.
My path towards the florescent light of Happiness.
The only comfort zone I want to be in is within your arms…
The only comfort zone I want to spend my time with is you.
Simply comfortable being myself and loving you.
You spoke of Love as if you’ve been there.
You made it feel so real yet, your words were my kriptonyte.
Every word was poison and it destroyed my every being.
I broke to pieces as Love and Hate intertwined.
This love you spoke of was all I wanted to feel. I wanted to lose myself within your arms and let my imagination run wild.
I didn’t want you to stop. I didn’t want you to stop speaking of Love. Yet, there was so much hate in your eyes. So much anger that I questioned how could a man know about so much love yet, his eyes told another story.
His eyes spoke of pain, hurt and hate. His eyes were not of his body because his body spoke of love. His hands told me they loved me. The way they caressed up and down my spine.
His lips kissed mine with such passion. His lips loved me. My lips loved his. Our lips loved each other.
To avoid the pain I’d make a little eye contact as possible because I couldn’t bare that he held so much pain yet loved me as he did.
But, pain inevitably made its evil appearance and destroyed the love you spoke of. The love you created for us. The love we created.
Pain won because we forgot to show your eyes what true love was.
Yo busco un amor intenso. Un amor llenó de alegría y momentos k nunca se puede recrear.
Crees k existes?
Un amor tan grande k las lagrimas ya no son lágrimas de tristeza pero lagrimas de felicidad.
Crees k existes?
Es el amor k cuando pienses en ellos uno puedes sentir la sonrisa de su labios.
Crees k existes?
There will always be millions of stars to wish upon but, this one shined bright just for me. This one illuminated the night awaiting for my wish.
I sat outside and took a deep breath, closed my eyes and made my wish. As the star raced through the night sky, I made my wish.
Never knowing if it will ever come true but, with my being I hoped it would.
Never telling anyone what I’ve wished for yet, wanting it come true as much as many other who’ve sat outside wishing upon a Star.
I found a photo of you while I was cleaning. There you were, I thought I was ok without you. Then, my heart skipped and I could feel the butterflies in my stomach.
After so many months I realized I still loved you and I truly missed you.
Every year will never be the same. This time it’s my year spent with my parents and siblings. I thought I’d be happier here. To be with them you know. Everyone of them. Their presence is needed but the environment is not.
I’m not happy here. I feel trapped. I’ve never been this low in my life and yet here I am. Trying so hard to find the light I once contained. Trying so hard to accept the changes that have been made. Trying so hard to pray for guidance. Yes, I try in my prayers because there are many moments I feel he does not hear me. Or that maybe I am not doing it correctly.
It’s another year without you and it doesn’t get easier. My heart is never at ease. You don’t even visit me in my dreams. You never allow me to feel your presence if you are here. And this 2018 has been the worst of the worst. Yet, your birthday is by far the worst. You fall on 12/31 a year where we are to celebrate the end and the beginning at once but, all I want to do is ball up and cry out why did you leave? I miss you brother and I miss hearing your voice.
Trust me you’re not missing anything here on earth. One precious thing you’re missing is Haze and I promise you she’s in good hands. She will always grow to know how much her dad loved her and how funny, witty and awesome you were.
There’s so much on my mind but, I feel the words are not coming out correctly so I’ll leave it at this.
Just know I yearn for just a moment of your time. A moment where you can let me know that everything will be ok because I’m dying within.
Love you FMR!