Category Archives: Music and Fashion

12/31

Every year will never be the same. This time it’s my year spent with my parents and siblings. I thought I’d be happier here. To be with them you know. Everyone of them. Their presence is needed but the environment is not.

I’m not happy here. I feel trapped. I’ve never been this low in my life and yet here I am. Trying so hard to find the light I once contained. Trying so hard to accept the changes that have been made. Trying so hard to pray for guidance. Yes, I try in my prayers because there are many moments I feel he does not hear me. Or that maybe I am not doing it correctly.

It’s another year without you and it doesn’t get easier. My heart is never at ease. You don’t even visit me in my dreams. You never allow me to feel your presence if you are here. And this 2018 has been the worst of the worst. Yet, your birthday is by far the worst. You fall on 12/31 a year where we are to celebrate the end and the beginning at once but, all I want to do is ball up and cry out why did you leave? I miss you brother and I miss hearing your voice.

Trust me you’re not missing anything here on earth. One precious thing you’re missing is Haze and I promise you she’s in good hands. She will always grow to know how much her dad loved her and how funny, witty and awesome you were.

There’s so much on my mind but, I feel the words are not coming out correctly so I’ll leave it at this.

Just know I yearn for just a moment of your time. A moment where you can let me know that everything will be ok because I’m dying within.

Love you FMR!

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Soon

I will be back.


Eyes

Your eyes told a story of pain. Your actions said different. I could feel the love within your eyes but, your approach was the opposite.

You’ve been hurt and I could see it within you. You were hurt and you didn’t know how to love with pain. I felt your pain in your actions but, loved your love within your eyes. I settled for your eyes rather than your efforts because they were more truthful.

I fell in love with your eyes and within your eyes I saw the truth. Within your eyes I loved you.


Comfortable

You die in your comfort zone.


Acceptance

2014 we lost you and in 2018 many of us still can not grasp the thought that you’re gone. My mother tells us that we don’t allow you to Rest In Peace because we are constantly idolizing you. Personally, it’s not idolizing because it wouldn’t be right. It’s more of a way of us letting you know we miss you and we’re trying our best so you see our growth and your daughter’s growth.

I know my life has changed since your departure. I used to live it all up because you always told me to do what I love and never stop traveling. You always asked to bring you something and I’d always grab you a shot glass no matter where I was. It was our little thing. A shot and a glass as soon as I landed.

Now, I travel yet never get a shot. I just travel and hope you see the beauty through my eyes.

We spoke everyday from a simple, “you good?” To a full conversation about your daughter and what’s next. I always waited for your phone call and then one day you didn’t call. When you didn’t call I knew something wasn’t right.

That’s’ when dad called and told me. Now I live with this anxiety that I pray so hard about. I ask God to keep me from worrying about the ones I love because he got them. Yet, if I don’t hear from a loved one I begin to panic because you didn’t call me that day. You didn’t ask me if I was good on that day.

I guess now you know, I wasn’t good. I lost a piece of my soul when you left. I always made the best bets with you. I always won them too.

It’s been four years and I can play back every memory we have together. I can play back every conversation with no hesitation yet, I yearn for more. Thank you for leaving us the best talkative kid in the world because now she is you and I love it.

It’s hard you know, to accept that you’re gone and I can no longer call you or text you. Four years and I still get panicky. I try to live my life with love in my heart and God but my side because that’s how you’d want me to live. You’d want me to love as hard as I could, work hard towards my goals and just LIVE!

So here I am finally realizing that you’re gone. Gone in a physical but, I can feel you in my heart which makes me smile often. Helps me know that you’re ok and my anxiety begins to slow down.

I’ve finally accepted your departure from this world and pray that I see you again when it’s my time also.

Love your big sis,

Melli


Photos

Ever look at a random photo and it just speaks to you?? Not just to you but to your soul. Ever look at a photo and feel your body come alive? Almost as if your chest of busting with brightness?

Well as I was scrolling through social media O came upon a photo the literally gave me the biggest burst of positivity and happiness.

I added a few words to this photo. It spoke to me and gave me a sense of not giving up.


Invisible….

Me siento en la casa lleno y soy nadie.

Ahi con todos me siento y soy nadie.

Soy invisible con todos y me siento invisible. Como un espiritu ahi en la casa lleno de personas.

Por que me ignoran? Porque no me hablan?

Tal ves ya no me necesitan y es tiempo de irme.

Soy invisible para ellos pero no para todos.