Every year will never be the same. This time it’s my year spent with my parents and siblings. I thought I’d be happier here. To be with them you know. Everyone of them. Their presence is needed but the environment is not.
I’m not happy here. I feel trapped. I’ve never been this low in my life and yet here I am. Trying so hard to find the light I once contained. Trying so hard to accept the changes that have been made. Trying so hard to pray for guidance. Yes, I try in my prayers because there are many moments I feel he does not hear me. Or that maybe I am not doing it correctly.
It’s another year without you and it doesn’t get easier. My heart is never at ease. You don’t even visit me in my dreams. You never allow me to feel your presence if you are here. And this 2018 has been the worst of the worst. Yet, your birthday is by far the worst. You fall on 12/31 a year where we are to celebrate the end and the beginning at once but, all I want to do is ball up and cry out why did you leave? I miss you brother and I miss hearing your voice.
Trust me you’re not missing anything here on earth. One precious thing you’re missing is Haze and I promise you she’s in good hands. She will always grow to know how much her dad loved her and how funny, witty and awesome you were.
There’s so much on my mind but, I feel the words are not coming out correctly so I’ll leave it at this.
Just know I yearn for just a moment of your time. A moment where you can let me know that everything will be ok because I’m dying within.
Love you FMR!