2014 we lost you and in 2018 many of us still can not grasp the thought that you’re gone. My mother tells us that we don’t allow you to Rest In Peace because we are constantly idolizing you. Personally, it’s not idolizing because it wouldn’t be right. It’s more of a way of us letting you know we miss you and we’re trying our best so you see our growth and your daughter’s growth.
I know my life has changed since your departure. I used to live it all up because you always told me to do what I love and never stop traveling. You always asked to bring you something and I’d always grab you a shot glass no matter where I was. It was our little thing. A shot and a glass as soon as I landed.
Now, I travel yet never get a shot. I just travel and hope you see the beauty through my eyes.
We spoke everyday from a simple, “you good?” To a full conversation about your daughter and what’s next. I always waited for your phone call and then one day you didn’t call. When you didn’t call I knew something wasn’t right.
That’s’ when dad called and told me. Now I live with this anxiety that I pray so hard about. I ask God to keep me from worrying about the ones I love because he got them. Yet, if I don’t hear from a loved one I begin to panic because you didn’t call me that day. You didn’t ask me if I was good on that day.
I guess now you know, I wasn’t good. I lost a piece of my soul when you left. I always made the best bets with you. I always won them too.
It’s been four years and I can play back every memory we have together. I can play back every conversation with no hesitation yet, I yearn for more. Thank you for leaving us the best talkative kid in the world because now she is you and I love it.
It’s hard you know, to accept that you’re gone and I can no longer call you or text you. Four years and I still get panicky. I try to live my life with love in my heart and God but my side because that’s how you’d want me to live. You’d want me to love as hard as I could, work hard towards my goals and just LIVE!
So here I am finally realizing that you’re gone. Gone in a physical but, I can feel you in my heart which makes me smile often. Helps me know that you’re ok and my anxiety begins to slow down.
I’ve finally accepted your departure from this world and pray that I see you again when it’s my time also.
Love your big sis,