Caught in a Matrix….

At 32 years old I have never been disappointed in myself. I expected so much more from myself as a woman and an independent individual. Fear and worry have taken over my conscience. They’ve both impeded me from becoming the better version of myself. They have prevented me from being in a relationship, or even be in one long enough to make it meaningful.

I am continuously looking into the past and trying to find where I lost my courage. I was the one who said, “Ok let’s do it!” and I would do whatever I felt made me happy without any reprecation. Now, I second guess all my decisions and look for others to let me know if my ideas are worth pursuing or not.

I think if I return back to being a flight attendant all this whipy feeling will disappear but, I feel that a tragic decision made in the past is preventing me from being accepted although I was never at fault and it was unfair what was done to me.

I’ve struggled a lot with life because I keep trying to chase the high that I once had in the past. The high of LIVING!

Here I am giving my loved ones and friends the best advice in the world and I can not even follow my own words. It is strange I tell you. I do not want to fail but, when you feel like it’s just you against the world at times it is tough. When you struggle to fight the negative thought and try to bring light in all you do is even tougher.

At 32 I am disappointed in myself. Yes, I live on my own, I pay my own bills, and I am extremely independent but, there is something missing and I can not grasp what it is. I can not find that high anywhere I look.

The one thing that keeps me going are thoughts or writing. While I am doing the most random things I have to stop and write my thoughts down because as an artist it is all I have. My writing allows me to get lost in a whole different world. It gives me a euphoric feeling of freedom and happiness.

On July 3rd, I will be 33 years of age and by this age, I had envisioned so much more than what has occurred in my life. It is almost as if God did a 360 to my life to either better it or to prevent me from drowning but, at this moment the water is rising and I can only float for so long until my body becomes tired. I call on him often to help keep me a float. I’ve placed all my faith in him.

On July 3rd, I will become another year older and I must shake off this feeling of disappointment, doubt and fear.

On July 3rd I MUST CHANGE!!!!

I must find my courage!!


About travelingeyes

As I explore what this world has to offer me I share every moment with good friends and family. With a heart as big as the world I help many and love with all my being. Laughing is my drug, I get my fix from my amazing, hilarious and loving family. "Woodstock" is my nickname! Peace and Love.... Optimistic and laid back.... I picture life as a road map and make every moment in life memorable.... Crazy, Funny, Spontaneous, and Cute! View all posts by travelingeyes

6 responses to “Caught in a Matrix….

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