Monthly Archives: June 2017

One Day.

One day you’ll take my hand and feel the energy of my love.

One day you’ll look into my eyes and see the truth behind them.

My smile will only get brighter for you.

One day you and I will unite and all the stars in the sky will become aligned and will signal to us that we are IT!

One day you’ll be my forever and I’ll be your ever after.




I used to smile when I had you by my sided. I was proud to have you right next to me.

I spoke of you with love in my heart. You took over my being and I wanted to spend every moment of my life with you. Then, life took a turn and you began to change. You kept secrets. Secrets that once they surfaced changed my attitude on you and our lives together.

Never were we allowed to witness what greatness we could become because you changed your love for me. You instilled fear in our relationship. Fear of disappointing you and fear of upsetting you. I constantly felt as if I was walking on egg shells yet, I still wanted you by my side because there was something in your eyes. Something in the way you’d kiss me when I got a chance to taste your lips.

I was oblivious to what you were doing behind my back because I LOVED you. It hurt when you left cold turkey. It hurt when I was no longer able to communicate with you. When you just disappeared off the face of this earth. But, I stupidly assumed you were having a moment and you’d be back in a day or two. Those days turned into weeks and through social media I saw you found new love.

Through my own family asking me what happened to that man you were in love with. Asking me why you were holding onto another woman who was not me all over the internet. The biggest disrespect in the world.

You wonder how it felt?? Ever shatter a piece of glass? Ever felt as if your heart was pulled right out of your body and it no long had a beat? That feeling of anxiety that cause your eyes to swell up with rivers of tears.

You told me you loved me and some how it all changed and I was oblivious to the signs because my love was sincere and truthful. I no longer know if there was ever true loved from yourself. All I know is that you existed some way or another and now you belong to her.

There was nothing I could do. I couldn’t communicate with you, I could not call you, I could not email or text you.

You took a piece of me that I will never get back and I have to return to mend the shattered pieces on my own.

Never wanting to live with hate in my heart I took a deep breath and let you go.

I forgive you, I love you, God Bless you!



Caught in a Matrix….

At 32 years old I have never been disappointed in myself. I expected so much more from myself as a woman and an independent individual. Fear and worry have taken over my conscience. They’ve both impeded me from becoming the better version of myself. They have prevented me from being in a relationship, or even be in one long enough to make it meaningful.

I am continuously looking into the past and trying to find where I lost my courage. I was the one who said, “Ok let’s do it!” and I would do whatever I felt made me happy without any reprecation. Now, I second guess all my decisions and look for others to let me know if my ideas are worth pursuing or not.

I think if I return back to being a flight attendant all this whipy feeling will disappear but, I feel that a tragic decision made in the past is preventing me from being accepted although I was never at fault and it was unfair what was done to me.

I’ve struggled a lot with life because I keep trying to chase the high that I once had in the past. The high of LIVING!

Here I am giving my loved ones and friends the best advice in the world and I can not even follow my own words. It is strange I tell you. I do not want to fail but, when you feel like it’s just you against the world at times it is tough. When you struggle to fight the negative thought and try to bring light in all you do is even tougher.

At 32 I am disappointed in myself. Yes, I live on my own, I pay my own bills, and I am extremely independent but, there is something missing and I can not grasp what it is. I can not find that high anywhere I look.

The one thing that keeps me going are thoughts or writing. While I am doing the most random things I have to stop and write my thoughts down because as an artist it is all I have. My writing allows me to get lost in a whole different world. It gives me a euphoric feeling of freedom and happiness.

On July 3rd, I will be 33 years of age and by this age, I had envisioned so much more than what has occurred in my life. It is almost as if God did a 360 to my life to either better it or to prevent me from drowning but, at this moment the water is rising and I can only float for so long until my body becomes tired. I call on him often to help keep me a float. I’ve placed all my faith in him.

On July 3rd, I will become another year older and I must shake off this feeling of disappointment, doubt and fear.

On July 3rd I MUST CHANGE!!!!

I must find my courage!!

The Exploitation By “To The Bone”


Before tonight’s zinger..which…I’m fired up tonight, so get ready….

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But first, I have some incredibly exciting news to share.

I just found out that BeautyBeyondBones was ranked in the Top 25 Eating Disorder Recovery Websites on the World Wide Web!

So thank you with all my heart for taking the time out of your busy lives to read my words.

OK…now onto tonight’s main event.

As you know, I was utterly disgusted at Netflix for their irresponsible and harmful depiction of teenage suicide in “13 Reasons Why.


You’d think they’d have learned their lesson after the backlash by the public, and several tragic copy-cat teenage suicides post-airing. But no.

In fact, they’ve done it again….

And this time…it’s about anorexia.

The movie is called To The Bone” and it is being released on July 14.

They just premiered the trailer.

I watched it.


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Here I am. 

Hello!!! Can you see me? 

I’m standing right here waving right at you. Hello!!! 

I’m standing right here over this cliff. Can you see me??

Our eyes meet and you watch as I wave and yell out,

“I love you!”

“I forgive you!”

“God Bless you!”

Then, you felt it. All I ever wanted you to feel you felt it the minute I jumped. 

You felt every word pierce through your body and soul. There you watched as the one that truly loved you ended it all. Ended all her pain to allow you to live freely. 

So happy.

So happy you found her. So happy she brings the smile I’ve worked so hard on giving you. 

So happy to see how your eyes glisten by the sight of her. 

So happy she’s back into your life. 

So happy to see you happy. 

So happy to see the love you have for her that I yearned from you. 

So happy to see that “I Love You” bares no meaning to you. 

So happy to realize she was never gone and I was just a void. No one special. 

So happy to feel that pain you get when you lose yourself because I loved so hard. 

So happy to see how I was taken for granted. 

So happy for you. 


Your eyes were empty yet I fell in love with you. 

I wanted to fill them with all the love my heart contained. I wanted to show your soul how your touch made me blossom like a rose. 

I gave you my all yet, your eyes remained empty. 

Maybe you weren’t ready, maybe you wanted to remain empty but, I refused to believe in the maybes. 

Every moment together I encouraged you and loved you. 

Through time I witnessed your eyes begin to fill with life and love. 

I wanted you to see my loyalty. 

Yet, I gave too much and you ran me dry. 

Now you live filled with my love and I lay here empty and alone.