I’m tired and there is nothing more I would love in this world than to make my mind stop. Just have one moment of peace and quiet in this clutter.
The anxiety is at an all time high. It’s so bad I barely speak to my friends. I’ll show up to place but just sit there like a zombie. Or, I’ll be in conversation and just zone out. Maybe one day a dream will consume these thoughts and I’ll finally reach my REM sleep.
It’s difficult to pinpoint what the cause of it is exactly. Let’s just say becoming 30 and feeling unaccomplished is a runner up in the situation. The fact that so many events have happened in a span of less than 6 months. Things I have yet to wrap my mind around.
Blessed to be alive. Grateful for all that has been given to me. Appreciative of my family. I’d never take any of that for granted.
Just wondering when the sun will become just a bit less dim and a lot more brighter. In the mean time I’ll try some meditation or maybe as little bit of yoga.
This can’t be life….
Months ago, there I was risking it all to drive and put miles on her car. Not caring bc he was worth it. While I visited the new restaurant being built I met Uncle.
I’d come say my hellos and sit with Uncle on one of the beach chairs. There I learned so much from a man who’d smoke cigarette after cigarette. He and his nephew would jokingly argue about who worked the hardest that day.
I enjoyed taking the drive and sitting on that beach chair. Even if it was just for a few hours I got a small glimpse into Uncle’s fascinating life. He’d ask me where in the world I’ve been and we would compare stories. He got me beat as a world traveler. One thing I’ll never forget was when he told me to just go out there and do whatever I wanted. Life was too short.
As time went by his nephew and I saw each other less and less. I’d always ask how uncle was whenever I got the chance. The small moments I spent with Uncle made realize why his nephew had so much respect for him. I noticed why he was such a respectable individual.
Months went by and I called nephew to see how he was. You see, I really cared about nephew but some reason life events would always get in the way. When I finally spoke to nephew I got the unfortunate news.
I tip my hat off to Uncle for being such a bold, adventurous, and sometimes funny individual. I wish I would have met him sooner.
To his family, my thoughts and prayers go out to them. I his nephew, I hope that each day gets easier. His memories will forever be in your heart. Thank you for sharing him with me.
There we sat at the cafe. I had a latte and she had a double espresso. “So what’s next?” she asked.
As easy as the question was I couldn’t answer it. So, I told her everything I knew about myself.
I am a quick learner. Anything I put my mind to I always succeed in. I can apply myself to many things but never found a passion for one so I never placed my focus on one trait.
With that said my best friend tells me, “You’re a jack of all traits but a master of none.”
I was taken back a bit unsure as to whether to take it as a compliment or a reality check. Soon to be 30 with nothing to look forward to in life anymore.
I was a master of NONE.
You’d think this conversation would have lit a fire under my ass. Instead, it has brought me to the lowest of the low. Where did I spend all my time? Maybe if I worried about myself more than others I would have never been in this predicament. Maybe if I tried saving myself first than everyone else I’d still be happy.
Everything is a maybe…. Meaning everything becomes a I should have and didn’t. All I can do is own up to the drastic mistakes I’ve made and try to figure it out from there.
I’m sick of hearing everything happens for a reason especially when the reason is never given. So what’s next?
Shit, I can honestly say I have no idea. All I do know is that I have faith that it will all turn out right. That God will lead me in the right direction. In the mean time I guess I better start searching what the heck I’m a master at!!
There I stood.
There you were with you back turned to me.
Over and over I called your name, yet you wouldn’t turn.
All I wanted was to look at your face.
All I wanted was one more chance to speak to you. Let you know how much I love you.
With your back turned to me I called your name over and over.
Yearning for just five minutes of your time. A moment of conversation just to hear your voice.
Just to see your smile.
Just to hear your laugh.
It’s as if a piece of my heart is missing. A whole that can never be replaced.
There you stood with you back turned to me as I continuously called your name.
Then…. I realized it was all a dream.
Reality struck and now I stand here alone in dismay.
When there is a purpose wake me up…..