Every year will never be the same. This time it’s my year spent with my parents and siblings. I thought I’d be happier here. To be with them you know. Everyone of them. Their presence is needed but the environment is not.
I’m not happy here. I feel trapped. I’ve never been this low in my life and yet here I am. Trying so hard to find the light I once contained. Trying so hard to accept the changes that have been made. Trying so hard to pray for guidance. Yes, I try in my prayers because there are many moments I feel he does not hear me. Or that maybe I am not doing it correctly.
It’s another year without you and it doesn’t get easier. My heart is never at ease. You don’t even visit me in my dreams. You never allow me to feel your presence if you are here. And this 2018 has been the worst of the worst. Yet, your birthday is by far the worst. You fall on 12/31 a year where we are to celebrate the end and the beginning at once but, all I want to do is ball up and cry out why did you leave? I miss you brother and I miss hearing your voice.
Trust me you’re not missing anything here on earth. One precious thing you’re missing is Haze and I promise you she’s in good hands. She will always grow to know how much her dad loved her and how funny, witty and awesome you were.
There’s so much on my mind but, I feel the words are not coming out correctly so I’ll leave it at this.
Just know I yearn for just a moment of your time. A moment where you can let me know that everything will be ok because I’m dying within.
Love you FMR!
Your eyes told a story of pain. Your actions said different. I could feel the love within your eyes but, your approach was the opposite.
You’ve been hurt and I could see it within you. You were hurt and you didn’t know how to love with pain. I felt your pain in your actions but, loved your love within your eyes. I settled for your eyes rather than your efforts because they were more truthful.
I fell in love with your eyes and within your eyes I saw the truth. Within your eyes I loved you.
You die in your comfort zone.
The adaptation is killing me. The acceptance is even worse. Anxiety is through the roof. Acceptance of what is has become unacceptable. I shake my head at it all, vigorously and without a doubt.
I know what should be and this isn’t it. The angst and worry do not belong here. They do not belong within this body nor mind. Yet, here they sit slowly digging their way and creating a comfortable home within me.
As I slowly try and shake these tenants out, I begin to write my eviction notice. YOU DO NOT BELONG HERE!!!
Here’s how it works. Every morning I lay there in the bed speaking to God or for others a higher power. Enlightening him on my thoughts and thanking him for another day. He keeps me alive for a reason right.
I keep up and keep the positivity in my mind and continue about my day. If I focus on the positive my day will be great. If I work harder towards my project my dreams and manifestation will come to fruition.
Then there are days where I wake up have a full conversation with him and dread getting up. Taking a peek at my past and all that has bought me to my sorrows. All the strength I had and powers I felt I possessed felt as if they were striped from me. From my soul.
Now it’s a constant battle of, “Sip you got this!” Or “Just give up girl. You failed a long time ago!”
Yet, I prefer, “Sip you got this!”
Why? Because, I was raised to never give up. You may move on but never give up because the day you give up is the day that you may have missed your blessing.
So here I write to remind myself, “Sip, you got this!”
Beautiful soul, beautiful girl. Worry less about what tomorrow will bring and be present in the moment. Enjoy the simple laughter that echoes through your own voice as joy fills the air. Right here, right now is where you ought to be. Fearless of what the future may hold as it is never promised. Be here! Be present! Become a believer in yourself and all the good around you. Beautiful soul smile a little more as your smile is what lights up the room and turns gloom into sunshine. Beautiful soul, become the sunshine in the storm and live for right now. Love passionately and forgive often. Never allow doubt and fear interfere with your present days. My beautiful soul, how I wish you’d hear these words. Then maybe so, you’d smile a little more.